last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
