i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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