When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
