even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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