There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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