Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I need to calm my uterus...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
