They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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