Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
A+ Viking dick
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
