For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
