if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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