If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
