he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
3pm strippers are depressing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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