Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
