Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
