Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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