why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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