I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
