My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
