just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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