My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
