The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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