I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
