We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
