I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
