the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize