I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
