fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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