There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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