After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
