Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You ate ashes out of my bong
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
