her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
