The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
