Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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