I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Congratulations! We have a period
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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