i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
