In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
