please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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