i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
