Where is the hickey?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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