sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
