She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
