I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
