She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
