A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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