YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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