worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
