I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize