Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize