she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm at about main and main street
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
