You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
