Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize