I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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