Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
