So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
