There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
zippers are such a cool invention
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
