he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
