yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
