New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
